Struggling to Say No? How DBT Helps You Set Boundaries Without Guilt
For many people, saying “no” feels uncomfortable, selfish, or even unsafe. This is especially true for individuals with a history of trauma, people-pleasing patterns, or chronic anxiety. The fear of disappointing others, creating conflict, or being seen in a negative way can make boundary-setting feel overwhelming.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) offers practical, skills-based tools that help people say no clearly, respectfully, and without guilt, while still protecting relationships and self-respect. This week’s focus explores how DBT reframes boundaries as a form of emotional regulation and self-care, rather than rejection or conflict.
Why Saying No Feels So Hard
Difficulty saying no often develops as a survival strategy. Many people learn early on that meeting others’ needs, avoiding conflict, or staying agreeable helps maintain safety or connection. It can lead to:
Overcommitting and burnout
Suppressing personal needs
Resentment or emotional exhaustion
Anxiety around disappointing others
Boundaries Are Not Punishment
A core DBT principle is balancing acceptance and change. You can care about others and care about yourself at the same time.
Saying no does not mean:
You are selfish
You are unkind
You are rejecting the person
It simply means you are honoring your limits. Healthy boundaries protect relationships by preventing resentment and emotional overload.
DBT Skill: Interpersonal Effectiveness
DBT’s interpersonal effectiveness skills help people express their needs, set limits, and maintain self-respect in relationships. One of the most helpful tools for saying no is the DEAR MAN skill.
DEAR MAN for Saying No
D – Describe
State the situation using facts, not emotions.
“I’ve been asked to take on an extra shift this week.”
E – Express
Share how it affects you.
“I’m feeling overwhelmed and stretched thin.”
A – Assert
Clearly state your boundary.
“I won’t be able to take on another shift.”
R – Reinforce
Explain the benefit or show appreciation.
“I want to make sure I can do my current work well.”
MAN – Mindful, Appear Confident, Negotiate
Stay focused, use a steady tone, and offer alternatives if appropriate.
Managing Guilt After Saying No
Guilt often appears after setting a boundary, not because the boundary is wrong, but because it’s new.
Helpful reminders:
Guilt does not mean you did something wrong
Discomfort is part of learning new skills
You are allowed to have limits
Using distress tolerance or grounding skills after boundary-setting can help regulate the emotional aftermath.
Common Boundary Traps to Avoid
Over-explaining: A brief explanation is enough.
Apologizing excessively: You can be respectful without apologizing for your needs.
Saying “maybe” when you mean no: This increases stress and confusion.
Practice Saying No (Simple Scripts)
“I’m not able to commit to that right now.”
“That doesn’t work for me, but thank you for thinking of me.”
“I need to prioritize my own capacity this week.”
Consider Trying DBT Today
Struggling to say no doesn’t mean you’re weak, it often means you learned to survive by putting others first. DBT skills help you unlearn guilt-driven patterns and replace them with self-respect and clarity.
This week, try practicing one small boundary, noticing the discomfort that follows, and reminding yourself that respecting your limits is a healthy and necessary skill.
At Healing Voices Psychotherapy, our DBT-trained therapists provide supportive, evidence-based care to help you build confidence in boundary-setting and emotional regulation. Book a free 15-minute consultation today with one of our registered psychotherapists and begin strengthening your interpersonal effectiveness skills.
