Trauma in Relationships and When to See a Therapist
When we think about what trauma festering in a relationship might look like, we usually imagine explosive fights, emotional outbursts, or one partner completely closing off. But unless you have firsthand experience with relationship trauma, our imaginations never give us the full story.
Relational trauma is shapeshifter, especially in long-term relationships, it doesn’t always show up in obvious ways. It can look like this:
Shame or Blame Game: internally you're unsure if you or your partner is the problem, or you quietly resent them but feel guilty for it.
Chronic disconnect: You’re starting to feel more like roommates than romantic partners, despite nothing on the surface appearing off or wrong.
Irritability and Tension: You constantly feel on edge around your partner, or you might easily get set off by your partner over small things.
Communication Breakdowns: you struggle to have conversations without getting defensive, shutting down or misinterpreting.
Over-Functioning in the Relationship: Either you or your partner carries the emotional or logistical weight of the relationship to “keep the peace”.
Avoidance of Conflict: You or your partner avoids tough conversations because it doesn’t feel emotionally safe.
If any of these examples of relational trauma feel familiar, remember you are not alone!
Whether you’ve found yourself in these cycles just recently or have been struggling for a long time - there's nothing wrong with either of you. You just need the proper support and safe environment to explore these deeper emotional injuries by seeing a couples therapist.
Your Relationship Might Be in Survival Mode
Unhealed trauma from past relationships, family dynamics or shared experiences, like infidelity or loss, can cause your nervous system to have to adapt. This could result in you and your partner to start operating in survival mode.
Unconsciously, you may start scanning each other for signs of danger, or you may misinterpret neutral actions or movements as rejection. You could be repeating painful patterns that you learned long ago. The question is, are we not just the product of our earliest environments
Despite the love you feel at times, you may still experience emotional distance, tension and fragility.
But you're not failing as a couple, you're just reacting the way our bodies and minds were wired to survive. But in the long run, these survival responses can wear down your relationship.
Your Relationship Deserves Compassion, Not Judgement
You’re not broken; you're just protecting yourselves.
It's common for these patterns to have been formed from earlier experiences, emotional neglect, betrayal, childhood trauma, or cultural pressures. No matter how hard we try to suppress it and no matter how strong your bond is, these wounds can still show up.
But this doesn’t mean you’re doomed to repeat the same patterns forever; it just means healing is needed. No blame, no judgement and not more “effort”.
Therapy Helps You Heal at the Root
At Healing Voices Psychotherapy, we offer couples therapy to help you and your partner move beyond conflict management and get to the deeper emotional injuries.
In couples therapy, you’ll discover new ways to relate, listen, and respond. Thus, you can get back to growing and evolving together, not just surviving.
With the help of our experienced therapist, we can guide you to:
Understand how trauma shapes your current dynamics
Recognize how your nervous systems are reacting and protecting you
Learn tools to regulate emotions together as a couple, not just alone
Create a relationship that feels safe and supportive
Your healing starts with us.
If your relationship feels stuck in these toxic cycles fueled by trauma, it's not because you’re a bad partner! You don’t need to keep muscling through in survival mode. You’ve been carrying pain that needs to be acknowledged and healed.
If you see your thoughts in these words, book a virtual appointment with our compassionate couples therapist, Alysha Plaggemeier, today!
